Alcoholism Is a Family Affair

Dear Danny,

I happened upon your website while looking up info on alcoholics. My husband is currently in jail, has been locked up for three weeks for violating probation from a DUI. He has been drinking most of his adult life. But it has really gotten bad within the last three years.

We have been together for twelve years and have a ten year old son. When he is sober, he is wonderful, but all hell brakes lose when he's drunk.

He can't keep a job because of it and I'm left trying to take care of all of us financially, etc. This last episode he actually threatened to kill me.

Nearly all of my friends think I should divorce him, file a restraining order, etc. But I feel that I should give him one more chance. How did your wife manage to put up with you when you were going through this?

He gets out of jail July 26th, and I am actually dreading it because I don't know how long he will go this time before going on a binge. I really don't know how much more I can take and I have to consider raising our son in these circumstances also. I loved reading about your recovery! Congratulations! You give me hope! Sincerely, Kim
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Hi Kim,
I always feel helpless whenever I receive a note like yours. The reason I suppose is because I am helpless. Well meaning people will always have opinions regarding what to do about a drinking problem or about a spouse’s drinking problem.

What really is meaningful is what you feel in your heart. Of course being in physical danger is always a problem and only you know the situation intimately enough to use heart & head in that regard. Kim, I don’t’ know i f it will help you or not but I cut & pasted the note below that was written by my wife Nancy.

She wrote it probably five years ago and although I have not read it myself in years (until just now) I do occasionally get a note of thanks from folks who run into it from time to time on my website, and say they found it helpful or at least moving. I do not know what value that may have for you but I have pasted it below – for what it is worth.

If there is any way that I can be of personal assistance to you or your husband – if he wants to do something about his problem - you may refer him to me as “someone who had recovered” from alcoholism and who is willing to be as helpful as I can. My personal phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx should you or he ever need to call. (24/7. No kidding.)

I hope all goes well when your husband comes home (today) – now and in the future and I do strongly recommend the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as an effective lifeboat back to living. I am happy to do what I can to get you or your husband connected with someone in your area who can guide you.

Please read the chapter To Wives from the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism" I have linked it here for you:

TO WIVES. I know that Nancy found enormous strength and hope in reading it when I first endeavored to quite drinking. It is powerful.

Peace and Love,
Danny S - RLRA
Real Live Recovered Alcoholic
http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com


NANCY’S NOTE ___________________________________________________________________________________ Personal Note:
I am so grateful to have gotten my husband back. We have been married now for almost twenty-seven years. He became someone I no longer recognized; certainly not the wonderful guy I fell in love with; who made me laugh, who held doors for me, who was truthful and honest; who was going to go out into the world and make a difference - who loved me and didn't mind showing it. I lost that guy, during the years that he drank.

To anyone who has an alcoholic spouse I truly hope you find what my husband has stumbled into. The joy and serenity that has come back is truly a second chance for both of us. I hope we all enjoy his new book. (He swears he will start looking for a publisher soon!) On the too few occasions that he gives me a few pages to read I end up laughing and crying all on the same page. (I am sure he does that on purpose, knowing him like I do) Then again I went through much of it.

So much he never let me know about. He kept so much inside of him. He became secretive and I wondered "How could I have been so mistaken about him?" I questioned whether he loved me at all and what I did to cause him to turn the way he seemed to be. We had no idea what was happening to him. To us.

Even though Dan has been writing his whole life, this is his first attempt at a real book. When he started it a little over a year ago, I knew in my heart that it was something he should do and have been as supportive (through my fears) as I could. I was shocked when suddenly he said he had over 200,000 words written! How he did that, I don't know. I guess there is still much I don't know about him as a RECOVERED alcoholic. I am sure he would have started it and given up in our old life.

Things are still changing for us every day. Although it may or may not be a best seller; it may not conform what to some people think they already know about alcoholics, I will tell you that it is all true and amazing to me. Even his newfound recovered friends are just the most amazing, larger than life wonderful people I have ever met in my life. Believe it or not, even the still sick ones he brings here to the house, still drunk!

Danny gets some pretty heavily criticism for being so outspoken. I must say, he does have a knack for cutting to the chase. This bothers some people, especially other un-recovered drunks - who do not even know him past his writings. But if they can deal with their own sensitivities, as I have learned, they will find my husband to be a loving and generous man with a passion for sobriety like none we can imagine. And it is only because of sobriety that it shows. Again.

I know Danny's talk. He certainly does not walk his own talk a hundred percent. He is far from being a saint. Not on your life! But he does seem to have a skill for catching it before too much harm can come of it. And he helps an awful lot of people. I do admire that in him. But do not ever let him tell you that he walks the talk twenty-four hours a day.

There are second chances in life, happiness, and family. It is waiting for you, inside of you. I hope you find it. - Love Always, Nancy