Trading One "Obsession" for Another?

Hi Danny,

I have been reading about you and was hoping that I could get some much needed guidance from someone of your experience and knowledge.

My friend has been sober for over 22 years. He is very well known in the AA Community of SW Florida. I am troubled by his OBSESSION of AA. He is involved in several meetings a week. From chairing a meeting, attending, teaching, sponsoring over 25 people include some females, speaking at jails, community involvement. Every weekend he is gone on some AA seminar, conference, etc. I asked him if he thought his AA involvement is a little OBSESSIVE. He says it keeps him sober. He admits that he spends 90% time doing AA functions. He doesn't care how it affects his family or anything. He said when he dies he wants to be remembered as being "Useful" and "Helpful" to others in AA. It appears to me that he went from being addicted to alcohol to A.A.

He had to take an early retirement from the Military, as you may have guessed, due to drinking problems. He is currently in his early 50s. So he gets a small pension check once a year. He does not work. His wife financially supports him. He has a little girl whom he doesn't spend much time with. He has three older daughters and grand kids but they also feel neglected by his AA obsession. I am troubled by his lack of balance. As his friend and Spiritual Advisor, I have helped him through some very difficult times along with his oldest daughter (she is 30) When she was 13 years old she started drinking a lot. Her dad, (my friend) was so involved in AA (being gone all the time) he was not even aware she was drinking let alone an Alcoholic. I feel just terrible for the pain his family goes through; his lack of participation with his family. The sad reality is, his little girl will grow up and think that this is the way a family is suppose to function.

He has put on about 50+ in the past three years on his 5'5" frame which puts him over 200 lbs. Heart problems run in family. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict as I have never even tried either. These addictions are really out of my understanding. As strange as this is, I have had many clients in the past few years that are recovering alcoholics. Many of them have been sober for a long time (15+). When they contact me, they are still struggling with childhood pain. It seems that AA helps many people but yet (based on my experience) it seems they lack the tools necessary to Deal and Overcome these past abuses or major issues. I haven’t seen anything clearly stated in the 12 Steps that would address this..

I feel My Friend has NOT dealt with his pain, which is probably why he started drinking in the first place. He is using AA to the extreme to run from his issues. The more involved he is, the less time he has to think about things.

1.Can you tell me what you think is going on with My Friend? How can I help him? 2. Does AA teach others about “how to overcome the pain they are struggling with”?

Any insight you could give me would be so much appreciated.

Thank you,

Sandy

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Hi Sandy,

I don't think I can give you a definitive answer for any one individual as I have never met your friend but I do have several thoughts which come to mind. Perhaps these can be helpful to you.

I have observed over the years that many folks - even AA members themselves - acquire misconceptions about the Twelve Steps. The reason is that they often are directed to read the 'bulleted' summary of the steps on pp 59,60 and in doing so come to believe that they have "read the steps" and therefore understand them. In reality however, the directions, procedures and expected results for each step are more completely delineated in the entire first 164 pages of the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous".

For example Step One takes an entire 43 pages.(the first 43) Step Two begins on page 44 - Step Three on p 60 and so on. You would need to go beyond a summary and read those 164 pages to discover that the Twelve Steps actually DO have a complete solution to ALL of the alcoholic’s problems - not just his problem alcohol - and that this solution is entirely spiritual in nature. It is not a psychological approach, which perhaps you had rather discover. I don't know. I found this to be exactly the case for myself. I can tell you with complete surety that all of the problems caused by childhood "traumas" that would perhaps take YEARS of expensive counseling to even approach have been completely eliminated from my life. And it was darned near overnight.

They do not have anywhere near the detrimental effects they ever had on me and I continue to grow away from those with each passing moment that I keep in fit spiritual shape. To do that takes a very specific, very of task oriented Program of action and one would need investigate in those 164 pages to appreciate - and actually practice and experience them to begin the comprehend or even speak about them with any credibility.

There are many people who are "in AA" - who do service in the fellowship and who attend meetings, and yet NEVER bother to actually embrace the Twelve Step Program of action. They seem to become meeting and service "junkies" substituting one addiction for another. rather than becoming free from all addictions. Substitution is not the kind of freedom that the Twelve Step proposes. I don’t know if your friend falls into that category or not. I just throw it out for your consideration.

So to help your friend I might ask him, “Have you recovered from alcoholism by having a spiritual awakening as the result of the Twelve Steps and do you practice those principles in all of your affairs?”

If the answer is anything but yes then that’s why he still has problems. If he thinks he is “still recovering” - he isn’t, and that’s why he still has problems. If he does not think that any alcoholic EVER recovers and all he need to do is stop drinking - go to meetings and do service to others to get and stay sober - then THAT is his problem. We alcoholics are suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Key in on: “only a spiritual experience”. Nothing less than that.

It is also possible that your friend IS an ardent Twelve Step practitioner - has had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps - has recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body and mind - has been given the power to help others and has a legitimate calling to doing service in the AA Fellowship and that you are simply being an unduly alarmed Miss Butinsky. I know there are people in my family who still believe that alcoholism can be solved by the exertion willpower and that the work I do with others and service to my District and Area is a terrible waste of my time since after all, I haven’t been drinking for years.

Only you could answer that question honestly.

I hope that helps. If I can be of any further assistance, please let me know.

Peace,

Danny S

http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com/